The power of a gun can kill
and the power of Fire can Burn
The power of wind can chill
and the power of the mind can learn
The power of anger can rage inside
until it tears u apart
But the Power of a Smile
especially yours
can heal a frozen Heart..

todae is day3 of cyberweek...[sigh] tmr muz go back to skol le...back to all the teachers and books...oh well...life goes on...i guess...
darling came over todae...she even bought stuff from supermart to cook for me for lunch...so sweet of her...hehe...+touched+...so she came...slacked ard awhile...den started cooking...guess wat i had for lunch?haha...pasta...so nice...-grinz-...but we sorta cooked alot...so packed some for korkor...haha..still got nice box de...got handle somemore...haha...
den she had to leave le...go to skol n study...so she left...and i stayed at home to rott...haha...so bored..nth to do...-sianz-...

darling>>>thank you so much for today...had fun...altho u might not think much of it...it means alot to me...lurv ya...*muakz*

cyberweek is here...dun nid go skol for 3 days...stay at hm do work...from computer...lotsa work to do...off to do my work le...got reports to write...

a fren once told me...

it takes less than a min to hurt someone...
and to break someone's heart...
but it takes forever to heal a hurt soul...
and mend a broken heart...

wondering if it applies to everyone...

juz came back frm teachers' retreat...
feel as if someone dropped my heart n it shattered into a million pieces...din slp e whole nite...not at all...mornin lookin 4ward to seeing her...supposedly,she supposed to cum fetch me frm YMCA...den she called to sae she cannot find e place...according to her...thot she was at e bus stop aft YMCA...was rather far away...so aft putting dwn e fone wif her...decided to walk over...walked all e way to e bus stop aft YMCA...realized tt she not there...so walked all e way back...got kinda worried...dunno where she ended up...den got the call frm her...she sounded veri pissed...all she said was she go study le...not cuming YMCA...then...the line was cut off...i din even get e chance to sae a thing...upset...heartbreak...not becos she din come...but becos she cut off my fone...juz lidat...dunno y she got so upset...din exactly noe if i'm in e wrong...but said sori aniwae...her rply sorta shattered me..."4get it lar..." oh well...totally brought down my mood...tears kept flowing...again..i couln't stop...heartache...not sure y she huo qi so da 2dae...mayb i did sumthing reallie wrong...*shrugs*

tmr got chinese test...me now trying veri hard to study...hope i can do well...putting effort into dis test...+cross my fingers+...going off to continue studying now...

2dae dad send me to skol...reached skol abt 7...tried desperately to get add.math into my head...[sigh]...tho veri slpy...but still tried to revise...even during silent reading oso studying my add.math...at tt pt in time thot shld be quite ok le...think most prob can pass...i want veri much to do well tho...cos darling wasted so much time on me...juz to hlp me wif my add.math...revised...and revised...

during recess...
hlped sweedy sell cookies n maltose candy...to raise money to go for her trip to NZ...for sum kinda gB world thing...where gB peeps frm all over e world go for a camp in a certain country...so nid money...so we(sec 3 sergants) hlping her raise e money by selling stuff...business wasn't veri gd...juz okay nia...amaria bought a2 packets of cookies den me n ying shared a pack...den i bought a maltose candy...+yum+

aft recess...add.math test..
mr loh came into class...i got nervous...dunno y...but dis test seemed veri serious to me...i felt as if it was a must for me to do well...cos darling hlped me ydae...wasted her time on me altho she oso had a test 2dae...aniwae...mr loh go thru abit...den i understooded wad he sae...so i thot...shld be no prob...i noe my functions...den second period...he started e test...as he gave out e pprs...had a funny feeling in me...dunno y...aniwae...got my ppr...looked at e ques...at first seemed okay...den when he said we cld start...i took up my pen and wanted to start writing...hu noes...my brain juz shutted down can...dunno wads wrong wif me...my head juz went blank...totally cldn't think of ani solution...tried my bez to rite stuff on e ppr...veri fast...30min was over...as i took e pprs frm e ppl behind me to pass to mr loh to hand in...saw tt i had a whole graph wrong...i almost cried...tears sorta filled my eyes...but i managed to hold em back...y am i so stupid???omg...can't even do a stupid test!!!how stupid can i get...i totally let so many ppl down...darling realie wasted her time on me le...i'm so sori...

aft skol...
went to heartland wif van...saw hazel,clara,and their frenz...den we went to buy food for hazel's F&N exam tmr...had sum fun...choosing e veggies n chicken etc...then...i realised tt u actually dun nid to go out to hv fun wif frenz...juz a simple trip to e supermarket or running errands can b fun too...or mayb i'm juz an easily contented person...den hazel still got time so we went take noes...i veri long nv take le...aft neos den we went our seperate ways...
left heartland...
went wif van to study...we went to near SR there de void deck to study...or supposedly...haha...wif a packet of candies we bought frm minitoons at heartland...there was nice...veri windy...so shuang...stayed there until 5+...den we went home...

so now...i'm home...slacking...cos mom n dad will b late...yupz...missing my darling so much...dunno y...she's been in my head alot these few daes...haha...

dis mornin...got up at 4am to wake darling up so she can study...took awhile...but she finally woke up...she sae i'm e first person to be able to wake her up frm her slp to study...haha...oh wells...by e time she woke up...i oso felt quite awake le...so i studied my chinese...using a torch...so pathetic...but no choice...if my mom or dad found out i'm studying in e middle of e night...i'll get killed...aniwae...studied ofr awhile den fell aslp again...slpt for abt 1hr more b4 waking up for skol...in skol so slpy...haha...

2dae got chem test...i think i'm gona fail tho...oops...feel so sori to darling...she's been trying to get e stuff into my head den i lidat...-haiz-...actually mayb got chance to pass lar...dunno..not sure...oh wel...itz over...den supposed to hv chi test aft skol at 3...den me,gui.eunice,alicia and yixiu decided to skip CME and take e test during tt time...haha...so we went to take tt test during CME lesson...aft tt went bac to class...den got no teacher for goeg...so we all left...den mummy n i went to SR to get van's prezzie...den she dun wanna cum out of e skol cos she doing test...so mummy n i had to walk into SR...so malu lor can...[sigh]...blu uniform,white belt...damn obvious tt we r frm pL lor...den we alk in so gan ga...so many ppL looking...din wanna go up to e gallery where kor kor n she* was...cos i feel veri AA...but in e end korkor came down and puled me up...so i pulled mummy wif me...haha...den got van's prezzie...den wait for her* finish her* test den go hand in den lft SR 2gether...den i took bus home...mummy n ying come my hse do badgework...do n do...+sianz+...6+...mummy n ying left le...left wif me to try n complete everything so we can hand in tmr...now me trying to get it all done...nice yet fast...trying my bez...abit frustrated tho...-haiz-...betta get bac to doing my work...not much time left le...shall stop...

test..test...and more tests...dis week and last week was pretty much filled wif tests...i thot will not do veri well(as usual)...but in e end...got bac geog ppr...scored 18 outa 25 marks...ms ting even gave me a "good" beside e grade...haha...happi...most happi thing is tt i passed my add.math...when i got bac e ppr i was like..."wow"...haha...i got a 15 outa 20...was damn happi...1st time i actualli passed my add.math...all thanx to my darling i guess...haha...she's been trying to hlp me pass my subs...altho at times i make her go mad...but she still nv fa pi qi on me...hehe...so nice...but sori...guess i'm not a good student...abit slow at times...stupid too...haha...

sundae went to watch fireworks wif darling n her frenz...sec skol frenz n jc frenz...jasmine,deanna,gwen was there too...met her at pacific coffee at abt 5...while jie jie went to meet ODV at PS...went there...she n jasmine studying...so i slacked...has fun...she was trying to see my welcome note...hehe...i managed to NOT let her see it...*smiles*...aniwae..aft tt,gwen came le...den went to esplanade meet her sec skol frenz...they veri nice lor...heard they went there so earli to book place...haha...all thanks to them...we got a veri gd place to watch e fireworks...right at e front...den toked...they played abit...altho abit wierd for me...cos i 1st time see them...but i guess it was alrite...den grace keep saeing i antisocial...oh well...can't blame me...i dunno them...aiya...nvm...den sum of us attempted to go buy sum food...but in e end realized tt fu jing dun hv food place...so in e end all we went bac wif was pop-corn...haha...realized tt one of grace's fren is ex-pL lite...den she ask me sum pL stuff...den they were singing sum sorta songs or cheer or wadeva u call it...damn funny...haha...den e fireworks started...was reallie nice...so happi i cld watch it wif her*...hehe...-grinz-...my wish came true......aniwae...during e fireworks...sumthing flew into jas-kor kor de eyes...den she half e display cannot see...aww....poor kor kor...-haiz-...she tried to take sum fotos tho...
aft fireworks went to carnival there meet jie jie...but in e end i think is tt idiot ODV fault...den dey went millenia walk...so went there meet them...den jie jie pang seh me...waited there all alone for abt 1hr...sianz...grace sae tt if tt ODV dare to sae anithing or wad...ask him be careful...she screw him upside down...haha...touched...aniwae reached hm late...

shades of colour in my monochrome world.. @ 4:42 PM

saturdae comes again...one thing tts diff abt dis sat is tt i'm free...dun hv to go skol...no gB..no ndP...nth...so can slp late...got NCO outing tho...but i decided not to go...onli play bball opp our skol aniwae...was thinking if i sae go den can go meet up wif my darling...but in e end...got up...still not feeling too well...so decided not to go...think she*'s tired aniwae...so din wan her* to get up juz to go meet me...aniwae...so din go 4 e outing...so slpt until abt 9plus den got up...
thot i'll hv e whole dae free...in e end...found out tt dad coming bac at 1...sadded...3+ more hrs nia...there goes my freedom...watz worst...he came back at 12 instead...he even wanted to go malaysia...make me n my mom go too...so we drove off...in e end reach causeway...jam...so we u-turned...den went to causeway pt...walk walk...bought ou de yang CD...finally...bought 2 hair clips too...den came hm...boring dae...
coutdown to ndP --->>> 2 daes!!!!!!!!
missing my darling so much...[sigh]...

juz got off e fone wif juvia...she seems veri unhappi...veri sad...seems tt ppl ard her hv been too bz to be bothered wif her lately...even her bf sorta too bz to look 4 her...she's been left aside...poor gurl...so lonely...meeting up wif her soon tho...trying to see if i can go out wif her one of these daes,asap...mayb nxt week...see how's she...assured her tt still got me ard..haha...
countdown to ndP --->>> 3 daes!!!!!

went to skol 4 national dae celebrations 2dae...went to skol in full-u...cos got colours award presentation...aft parade n concert went to change outa full-u...into pL lite tee...thot of going off wif gui...but miao seemed pissed...so din dare to...so went outa skol wif jac n ying...wanted to take bus frm opp skol...but decided to walk to heartland instead...since i'm alone aniwae...walk walk abit...while walking...did sum thinking...
reached heartland...met up wif amanda,eileen and christina...found out tt dey r rather nice ppl to b wif...felt abit betta walking ard wif dem...dey wanted to take neos but it was too crouded...den eileen n christina had to leave...so me n amanda left too...abt 1o'clock...veri sian tho...like 2dae thot can go out de...den in e end every1 seemed to hv programme...den amanda oso want to go out but dunno where to go...so i din hv much of a choice but to cum bac...oh well...bac to e 4 walls n my com...[sigh]...life's been rather boring n lifeless lately...cannot go out...all i can do is my homework n study...whole dae face my dad...omg...can't take dis ani longer...

i'm giving up hope in dis hse...[i'm not using home cos itz not my home]...i'm gona juz let go...i'm tired of getting so upset over things...dun feel like bothering abt anithing animore...nobody seems to care animore aniwae...

2dae went to skol wif a reallie bad xing qing...was almost late for skol tho...was at gui there e bus stop at 7.15...i thot: die...cfm late de...den bus came...reached skol juz b4 dey started assembly...juz put my bag on e floor nia den dey started singing le...so din kena booked...aft assembly went bac to class...eyes veri hard to open...been crying alot lately...dissappointed wif myself man...y am i such a cry baby...promised myself not to cry de...den in e end still cry...i muz reallie stop dis...gona try harder to change...hate ppl hu cry...hate myself crying...

life has been veri much a living hell lately...dad has been treating me n my mom like shit...like maids n chu qi tong-s n basically low-life ppl...wth lor...anihow skold ppl...order ppl ard...like as if me n my mom no feelings de...reallie feel tt wadeva my dad sae veri insulting towards my mom n me...if he sae me still ok lar...but he even sae my mom...doesn't he realize tt his words are hurting...n veri vulgor too...everydae e thing i dread most is him returning hm...to me itz bad news...nth gd eva cums frm him...he's juz insensitive n veri much a jerk...so wat if he's my dad...it still doesn't gif him e right to treat my mom n i so badly...

i'm trying to hold my temper...trying to tolerate...i'll hv to live wif him aniwae...see no point in making my life so saddening...i'll juz try to look on e bright side...try to ignore n avoid my dad...
hold bac my tears...i hate being a cry baby...i'm gona change frm 2dae onwards...i'm gona stop crying...promise myself i'm nv gona cry again...nv eva...not 4 anithing or ani1...esp my dad...

went to church as usual 2dae...execpt tt 2dae has been a horrible dae uptill now...
earli in e mornin my dad cum scoldin ppl...he sae i follow my mom's bad habits...i think he's being so damn insensitive in insulting 2wards my mom lor...wat an iditot...he sae i'm as slow as my mom...alwaes dilly dally...i realie feeli like telling him tt tts bcause he doesn't do anithing until late at nite or he as a toilet all to himself lor...cos me n my mom share toilet...so i use aft my mom...so obviously he'll b ready b4 me wad...den he scold me 4 being slow n stuffs...scold me nvm lor...oso scold my mom...like wth...wanna scold den scold me lar...scold my mom 4 wad...my mom's e one staying up late to iron clothes n do hsework while he's slping lor...as if he doesn't noe tt...he even scold my mom 4 wanting to stay up late...like hello...is he stupid or wad...dun stay up n do den do when...itz not as if my mom is hm all dae...she works too lor...[sigh]...he even scolded vulgarities lor...he f*** here, f*** there...can't stand him...i think he treat me n my mom like dirt...nv treasure us...taking us 4 granted...itz as if we r his maids...take stuff 4 him or do stuff 4 him is all should do de...dun even hv a "can u?" or "thank you"...hate my dad 4 all dis...alwaes finding waes n means to scold me n my mom...as if he nv do anithing wrong lidat...even if me n my mom nv do anithing wrong he oso sem to able to find fault wif us...when he comes hm see me not doing work...he sae i dun wanna study...den if he come hm seeing me doing work...he sae i slow...take so long still nv finish doing work...like wad e hell he wan lor...i dunno if i should be doing work in front of him or not...he's breaking up dis family...at least to me he is...even my mom's irritated...stressed...he's making me drift away...making me wanna leave even more...

past few daes at hm has been reallie sucky...like hving cold war...nid to watch wat i sae...do...stuff like tt...everything has been tense...dis reallie doesn't feel like my hm...i feel like a lost sheep...nowhere to go...no one to turn to...all i noe is tt if i onli could...i wld leave dis hse...leave dis world...wether 4 awhile or 4 good...as long as i can not come bac n face dis kinda treatment...dis kinda person...but dere r sum things tt i can't leave behind...ppl like my darling;grace,gui,jasmine,jie jie;pam n many other ppl...