still sick...fever hit 39.4deg lor can...nutz...gosh...i feel terrible...will sumbody juz kill me?...me feeling lonely these days...nobody pei me...nobody take care of me...not tt i need someone to take care of me...but i sorta feel as if dey# dun luv me animore...haha...i noe...childish thot...but tts realie how i'm feeling...yday,fever 39.4deg...temperature going up n down like i dunno wat...one moment 39+...nxt moment 36+...wonder y will lidat...[sigh] he# went playing majong...she# came home but din bother much abt me...din even ask if i was ok...[sigh]...nobody seems to care animore...oh wells...lonely me...sadded...dis hse to me is realie juz an empty shell...on e outside...look like a nice lovely home...but inside so cold and heartless...-haiz-...

am i e onli person hu's free around here?everyone else seems to be rushing stuffs...busy wif their own stuffs...dis doesn't feel like aft exams...y?...hmm...

i'm sick...feel so weak...juz now sorta fainted...totally blacked out...b4 i cld even lock e door properly...i juz plopped onto e floor...[sigh]...wonder wads wrong wif me??...hmm...

i'm so useless...juz not cut out for skol and studying...i wanna give up...i realie feel like giving up...my personal confidence level juz went all e way down to zer0 again...dis feeling sucks...guess i'm juz so brainless...stupid is e word to discribe me...[sigh]

you*
i'm realie sori i let u down...deep down..i sorta dunno how to face u...i feel as if i totally wasted ur time...i regret asking u to be my tutor...bcos of me..u got lesser time to prepare ur own work...and din perform as well as u wanted...u put effort into hlping me wif my work n i totally let u down...i guess i'm such a disappointment huh?...oh well...at least now,u dun hv to teach me animore...dun worry..i wun ask u to teach me again...wun bother u again...i'm reali sori i let u down...i'm realie sori...

i'm such a disappointment...i let every single person around me down...why am i so useless???...somebody answer me...why am i so stupid???

wonder what will happen to me this time round...wonder what will happen if i drop to normal...wonder what will happen if i retain...??? ???

y do ppl bother to show their unhappiness??? if u're already feeling veri horible inside...den u still sad sad on e outside wun u feel even worse??? since u're feeling veri unhappi inside...y not at least b happi on the outside??? onli show happiness...keep all unhappiness inside..deep inside of myself...wun tt at least cheer the ppl ard me up???...

at least i managed to keep my feelings inside of myself...didn't show any disappointment or sadness...for e first time...i managed to do it...i'm learning to control emotions...i wun let anyone see me cry again...never...

does love need a reason?
is it true tt love tt has reason is not true love?

is money realie all tt a person needs to be happy?
is money realie tt important?
can money realie buy happiness?
why is everyone so bothered wif money issues?

mayb i'm juz childish...but i realie dun understand y money is so important?...altho without money a person might not be happy...but it doesn't mean tt him/her wouldn't be happy...but would hving money realie make a person happy?
does hving money = happiness ???
does not hving money = unhappiness ???

yday went skol for total deffence course..was ok..we made salad..and i think our grp was e onli ones wif edible salads..haha..everybody else de was like veri nice to see but like cannot eat de..aniwae..aft letting mrs ong asses it..den we can eat le..din noe it wld turn out so nice..me n mummy were snatching for e pineapples..haha..cos nice ma..haha..den got lettuce..cherry tomato..potato..lots more..so nice to mum mum..haha..man zu man zu..-grinz-

aft total deffence course rushed down to church for library duty..den auntie agnes ask me n gui if we wanna teach pri1 kiddies nxt yr..den we were like so eager..so cool..gui gona teach math den i teach eng..haha..we're gona b lil' teachers..yeah..haha..but dunno if i should realie take up e 'job'..cos like nxt yr is Os..[tts if i can make it to sec4..]..darling sae i siao..tt it'll hinder my studying..hmm..guess i should thing twice b4 agreeing..but i want to take it up leh..i like teaching lil' kiddies..-haiz-..so fan..nvm..shall think abt agn nxt yr..for now..worry abt promotion first..

aft duty..came home to bathe n change..while gui watch tv..in e end..she got glued to e tv screen..den until almost 4 den left e hse for compass..met darling n korkor there..dey studying..so me n gui went walk walk..den gui say she wanna eat waffle ice-cream..so we went banquet..den we kena cheated..haha..turns out e waffle is not e ice-cream waffle tt type..is flat flat de..we were like so disppointed..aniwae..eat finish den gui hadta go le..so we went up to where darling n korkor was..told them tt gui gotta go..den i sent gui down b4 gg up agn..

reached back upstairs..darling wanna go le..so we left..in e bus..decided tt i dun wanna go for teachers' meeting..so darling came over..poor thing..she mouth pain..so i decided to cook porridge..[sorry darling..rather nan chi..]...aniwae..darling stayed until abt quite late den went back home le..cos my mama n dad cuming back le..

gui..hazel..korkor[jas]..darling[dylan]..clara and zenn came my hse..had lotsa fun..drinking..playing ard..gui keep 'loosing'..den she keep hving to drink..haha..in e end..she first to get drunk..so damn funny..den she tok nonsence..cry..luff..dunno how she feelin oso..haha..den we played truth or dare..not fun de..hazel nv tiok dare..den cannot carry out me n gui e ''plan''..hehe..aniwae..on e other hand,me n darling tiok a few times..argh..*blush*..so paisei..shall not blog abt wat happened..but aniwae..had lotsa fun..den when i was playing wif korkor..she pushed me onto e floor..den me kok-ed my head onto e floor..wL..concussion man..haha..soon..it was time for everyone to leave..and me too..i sorta veri bu she de..cos realie had lotsa fun..reminded me of hu i was in e past..b4 i came to sec. skol..haha..realie hoped tt e day wld last 4eva..oh wells..good things owaes muz come to an end..so e day ended..btw..on e way down..korkor piggy-backed me down..all e way to e lil' park thingy downstairs..so far lor..frm my hse all e way down there..hehe..so shuang..dun nid to walk..but cum to think of it..korkor should bei gui n not me..cos gui drunk..haha..aniwae..thanks korkor..haha..

darling n korkor send gui home..dey took cabbie..den zenn send hazel n clara home..me?..waited for mummy n daddy to pick me up for dinner..we had dinner at crystal jade..yumm..e food was nice..but too bad..din fully enjoy my meal..cos i was running a temp..but still alrite..aft dinner came home..rush my total deffence stuff..cook potato..den slpt le..slpt at abt 12+..

to e six of u..
had alot alot of fun..realie..i cross my heart..thanx for bringing all tt fun n laughter..appreciated..hope we can do it sum other time..relive e moments..haha..[gosh..so drama..*oh well*..] thank u all soo veri much..

today wear full-u to skol...so din wanna be walking monument...so call him# send me to skol...so tt means reached skol rather earli and din meet gui...reached skol...chatted mif mummy...we tok n tok...den time for assembly...so went down to carpark...den onli gB gurls can sit..haha...cos st john and npCc ppl not allowed to sit on floor while in full-u[respect for uniform]...lived thru e boring speeches and stuff...etc...den every1 went up to hall for e service...onli left GOH ppl and gB ppl on duty in carpark area...we got into place...waited for guest of honour to arrive...wait and wait...den suddenly he came...cos mummy cant see..so i told her...''cum le cum le!!!''...funny...den when he walked closer to us..i almost was so nervous tt i 4got to say timing to solute...heng managed to say it in time...den repositioned ourselves...waited for him to cum outa conference room den up to hall...den we can relac le...at first me n mummy sat in hall...den e teacher say hall not enuf place..cos got more ppl coming..so me n mummy went down to e.hall...

went thru e entire service...ended abt 11++...den met gui back at class...den left for her hse...cos rather late le...so we decided to take cab...stupidly...got ppl in front of us...den dey keep taking e taxi...den got so lil taxis sumore...sainz lor...waited so long...finally got it and went to gui hse....reached there gui go bathe den i waited for her to bathe finish den i oso bathed...haha..like my hse lidat...haha...her dad suddenly came back..scared me can...haha...den kazaff and darling downstairs le...den darling came up..i din noe..thot e 2 of them wld b waiting downstairs...den i open e door...saw her..i scared tiok...sorta screamed...haha...paisei...den we left...

was deciding whether to take bus or train...decided on bus...so walked to bus stop...den when there...stupidly tok and tok...until e 132 came and gone...we were all like stunded...''huh???''....haha...damn funny...den gui was like ''wth!!!''...in e end decided to walk to h.mrt to take train...cos was quite late le...e 'guys' wlk infront den me n gui walk behind...den dey keep saying tt we walk slow...-wadeva-...den kazaff keep like suaning us..or rather...gui...haha...den gui damn blur...dunno how to say back...den i added in...i say:''dis kinda ppl e words u put to heart for wat???juz take it as er bian feng..'' den gui was amazed...kazaff oso got nth to say...haha...so funny...

in e train met my seniors[tiff..pearlyn..debb]...dey oso towning...owells...reached town...send ben to lido for work...den we[gui,kazaff,me,darling] went far east...to mum mum...cos hungry...haha...dey 3 bought bentó frm toriQ...den i bought e taiwan chicken thingy...den we sat outside bK to eat...while eating got alot of gui's buddies[pegions] ard...haha...den spotted jean they all...aft tt went back into F.E...walk walk...felt abit sianz le so decided to go to PS...to play table hockey...walked there...meet alicia along e way...kazaff say she veri chio...haha...she was kinda surprised tt she's our classmate i guess...

reached PS...played table hockey...den hanged ard...spotlight...walk walk-ed...den darling had to leave le...cos she gg back to skol for bball...[sigh]...not feeling well(fever) still wanna go back for bball...wonder how she is now....**worried**.... owells....her choice...i cant stop her...aniwae...left PS wif darling...cos i had to be back soon aniwae...wads e diff?leave 45min earlier and 45min ltr?....wld rather hang ard wif darling aniwae....haha... :p

so we left...took NEL...cos she sae itz faster...in e train..saw her pale pale de...me worried...-haiz-...din say out...but was thinking....sick still wanna play bball...look pale...guess weaker den usual...me worried...sumore she sae she gona faint...nid sweet drink...me so worried for her...dunno if she'd be able to play bball...aniwae...on e way back...we joked abit...luffed abit...fun...den reached kovan...realized tt i'm like so damn earli...so pei her until her skol gate there...den she walk in den i go bus stop take 112...saw them do sum bball stuff...saw korkor...and yuenxin...den bus cum...den i came home...

not in veri good mood these days...parents got sum kinda tiff again...gB has been sucky since then...life to me has bcum more of a chore den anything else...there's hardly anything i look forward to in life anymore[execpt for hanging ard wif frenz and e family*]....

yday...
e 2 of them had a tiff...i see le oso dun feel good...feel damn sian seeing them lidat...he's being unreasonable...getting upset over e littlest thing...see them lidat i start to hate coming home...to me...dis isn't a happy home anymore...to me...dis place isn't even my home...itz juz a hse tt i live in...as e saying goes...''the home is where the heart is''...

today...
went to skol for my last ppr...chem and bio ppr1[mcQ]...was ok...i think...finished damn earli...slpt e rest of e time...which was more den 3omin...slpt until veri shuang...den finally ended...was abt 9+...cos got total defence course briefing at 9...so quick quick take letta frm han for parents den rush up to ava theaterete for e briefing...hu noes...reach there...mr tang not even there yet...so waited...and waited...so long...den he finally came up...den cos ava got ppl inside...so decided on e library...but in e end oso cannot...so in e end...sit outside...on e floor between e library and ava theaterete...he handed us a whole stack of notes to be handed in by sat...like itz so siao...exams juz ended...thot can rest..den now i hv to rush out dis entire scrap book by sat...den still got test to sit for de...all dis to be done and ready by dis sat...which is like 2 days ltr...wth...there goes my rest...[sigh]...aft briefing went opp play abit of bbal wif gui,adeline,belize,dawn and hazel...me and adeline against gui and hazel...play until veri hiong...siao...damn tired...aft tt went back to skol...at abt 12...for GOH rehearsal...yuan lai is guest of honour not guard of honour...aniwae...me and mummy[jac] pair...i be timer...when guest cum...we supposed to solute...yup...den aft tt went to see ms ho...take ndp souviner...got a huge thick book...ndp'04 cD...grp foto...certificate...and supposingly...a badge...e reason y i use ''supposingly'' is cos i din get it...and i nv will...-haiz-...wadeva...aniwae aft tt took bus cum home le...+sianz+...

who can save me...my whole world is tumbling down on me...i feel invisible...so hopeless...nth in my life is gg on well...not even close...life has bcum a chore...something i dread waking up to every morning...

woke up dis morning....eyes...like goldfish(like wat darling wld say)...puffy and swollen...saddening...oh wells..

aniwae...saw meteor garden(liu xing hua yuan) on teevee...reminded me of hu i was in e past...so crazy over vanness...lil gurl and watching liu xing hua yuan all e time...buy f4 cd...vanness cd...posters...and stuff like tt...wonder where tt side of me has gone....miss e old me...all i do is play...hang ard wif frenz...outa skol play....in skol play....gui wif her 5566 and me wif f4...haha....

can i go back to be hu i was in e past?

tears cant stop flowing...again...why am i lidat??...i dun wanna be lidat...oreadi promised myself tt i'll nv cry again...no matter wad happens...but still?....i'm still doing it...i wanna stop...

cant help it...i cant do it anymore...i cant pretend to be happy anymore...i cant pretend tt i'm alrite...not anymore...i'm tired...tired of controling my emotions...i wanna let go...juz be myself...i wanna be able to show my feelings and emotions...but i've still yet to find e place...tt i can actually be myself...show my deep feelings...how i realie feel inside...not at home...not in skol...

i'm breaking down...somebody save me...i dunno wat to do wif myself...i'm seriously such a failure...stupid dumb ass...brainless idiot...study and dun study no difference...might as well dun study...why bother?...juz gif up...dun wanna study le...gif up on life...gif up on skol...gif up on myself...this sucks...all e effort put in...for wat??all for nth...all to get a single digit red mark...all e effort other ppl put into helping me...for nth...basically wasting their time...i'm wasting other ppl's time...why do i even bother studying?why do i even bother getting a tutor?...all dis for nth...all dis to stare at my pprs blankly...wat the shit...wat an idiot...i shld juz stop bothering other ppl wif my stupid questions...no point...juz wasting other ppl's time...letting so many ppl down...

i nv studied so damn hard b4...never...but all was done for nth...juz wasting my time and other ppl's time... i used to believe in wat some1 told me a long time ago:''with great hardships and efforts comes great achievements''...but now...i guess i hv to reconsider it...or mayb it only doesnt work in my case...when u hv some idiot like me...*shrugs* most probably...

today started of pretty well...except for e fact tt gui left without me again...oh wells...i was late...cannot blame her...hu call me late...went to skol...in e bus...met jeanice again...dis time...with diana....okay...den went into skol...normal day...nth new...nth interesting....as usual...same old routine...

had geog...den went for recess...den went up for s.s....den got chinese...laoshi came in...gave us our CA marks...guessed it? i failed...once again...[sigh]...why muz dis owaes happen to me...???...stupid idiot...argh...i wanna give up studying...i cant do it...i cant take e stress....not onli did i fail my chinese....i failed my english compree...tt sucks...WTH...
i actually failed my english!!!....wat e f*** is dis....failing english is not an expected thing...i'm supposed to be gd in english....i totally lost every single bit of confidence i hv in myself...totally disappointed....
how am i gona go on to sec4???even e sub i hv e most confidence in i'm failing....wat else can be betta??....i'm a total failure....
confidence level rite now???....zero...not a single bit...i'm juz a useless idiot....brainless....

a few questions has been going thru my head....am i gg to retain???...am i gona make it thru to sec 4???...am i gona be in e same class as my juniors???...am i gona spend 5 yrs in pL???....

i wanna dye le....gosh....

hee...today is me and darling 5th month together le...so fast...it feel as if it was juz last week tt we got together...haha...thinking back...i feel so lucky...to hv sumone like her ard...-grinz-...

aniwae...today went to darling hse to study...we covered chem...and ss...haha...den her mom cooked noodles for us...yumm...so nice...hehe...her mom's a great cook...

she tonite got wedding dinner to attend...during her dinner,we were msging...told her i like e name ''dylan''...den she sae she gona change name...haha...den got chinese name oso...hee...**thinks**...Dylan Chng Jiajun...hmm...nice...sounds nice...looks nice...-grinz-...
lurv my darling dylan...hehe...*blush*

i wan m2m cD!!...realized tt their songs veri nice leh...[sigh]...but nowadays like cannot find their cDs liao...sadded...got 2 albums...one called ''shades of purple''(veri long ago de) and the other one called...''the big room''...gona study hard..den aft exams mayb he# will let me buy their cDs...actually i got ''shades of purple'' de...but i think i lent him# den he# lost it...-_shake head_-...so me gona buy new one...hope i'll be able to find their cD...aiming to get good grades...den get their cD...both...heez...

okok...enuf of crap...i'm off to study now...exams coming le...good luck to me...+fingers crossed+