omg..
i'm like gona cry soon..i feel like walking out of dis house now...-haiz-...freak...trying so hard to hold back the tears...hope i still hv the strength to do it...i wish i cld walk out...

went out...looked ard...
dark le...but din realie care...
sat there,at e swings...
cried...sobbed...weeped...
thots went thru my head...
thot abt many things...
suddenly felt so cold, so alone...
-haiz-

had 4 periods of math today...den plus aft skol math is altogether 6 periods...tts like 3hrs and 30min...siao lor...my brain almost died...lolz...
aft skol had ndp rehearsal...think itz gona be tough can...seems longer den enrolment parade...halfway thru rehearsal my bone started to hurt agn...so shit can...make until i so xinku...almost died...aft rehearsal,i totally got no strength to tok...juz wanted to get home...den hu noes, my mother want me go amk central meet her...[sigh]...in e end,delay until just den reach home...oh my god...dunno why today will pain until so long...-haiz-...normally wun lidat de lei...*shrugs*...[peeps out there, muz pray for me...lolz...]...
aniwae, tmr got ndp prac agn...which i dreading by the way...-haiz-...tmr is 340 to 530...-haiz-...sumore tmr got 6 periods wif mrs ng...lolz...i'm like so gona fall aslp...haha...

hardly slpt agn last nite...-haiz-...why hv i becum lidat???...i think i need slping pills...lolz...
aniwae,skol was ok today...geog,den bio,den recess..amaths was ok..catch no ball at first,but managed thru in e end...geog agn was slacky...den had chapel...aft chapel had eng oral thingy...ok la...quite hillarious...
came home aft everything...i'm a good ger today...nv anihow run...nv call ppl cum my hse...lolz...tmr got ndp till 6...so sian...-haiz-...
my rib bone is hurting agn...freak la...duno wat e hell is wrong wif me...so irritating...everytime pain...and i hadta msg e wrong person...accidentally sent e msg e dylan...now she noes too...freak...+pout+...
feeling wierd these days...like got stuff to say...but then agn,oso nth...haha...i dunno...
aniwae,FOP(festival of praise) frm 5-7 of aug....anibody interested to go???...lolz...i wanna go...haha...itz a friday to sunday thingy...730-1030pm...hope my parents let me go...hee...

ms ho wanted to see me today...
abt les case agn...
-haiz-
she damn slow sia...say i got gf...
so irritating...alwaes picking on me...
freak...


aniwae, today in bad mood...but din show it...veri sianz-ed today...i not too sure why...i must say,i'm getting quite good at hiding my unhappiness...lolz...so crap...i'm actually making a joke out of all dis...oh wadeva...veri tired...haven been slping alot these days...cant get to slp...not slping well...-haiz-...
PC CME agn today...topic was breaking up...and we all found out tt mdm ho used to be les...lolz...aniwae, i found wat e teachers said veri true...lolz...not sure abt e last few stages,but i noe e first few are veri true...lolz...
if u ever wanna hurt me agn,pls stay away...i'm begging you...i wun be able to take it...

din slp last nite...
think i onli slpt fr abt 1 hr ba...if i add all tgt...
-haiz-
so tired...so lethargic today...
aft skol still had fototaking...
den went kovan popular look for printer ink...
den went down town return dyL her money and pass her e tube of counterpain i promised...
i feel so dead now can....
i admit,i'm not ok...i dun feel ok...
but wat can i do???
-haiz-
nth i can do...nth anybody ard can do....
so shall juz leave it...
leaving e tears till i'm all alone in e dark under e sheets...
onli smiles i hv to show....

cant slp...
feeling veri xinku...
i oso duno why...-haiz-
close my eyes, and many thots run thru...images...memories...
juz cant get to slp...
den when i finally fall aslp, i wld onli slp for abt 15min...
den wake up, feeling veri xinku...
-haiz-
at dis rate i'm gona fall flat.

i veri scared...
-haiz-
as soon as my heart stops breaking...tears stop flowing...as soon as forever is is gone,i'll be over you...

some quotes frm service today...
humility greases the way for all other virtues to follow
humility is the necessary veil to all other graces
god gives grace to the humble

cldn't slp e whole nite...
juz tossed n turned in bed...
-haiz-

phototaking today...
gg ahbu hse for steamboat b4 gg for tuition ltr...
-haiz- ltr got tuition,so sian...
dun feel like gg...
last week,at dis time...was in skol hving ndp prac...
i wonder at dis time,last yr...wat was i doing?...
i wonder at dis time,nxt yr...wat will i be doing?...
[sigh]
life is full of uncertainties...
life is full of contradictions...
some things u want around...
but when itz ard,it make u unhappy...
at times,when itz ard...it makes u happy...
but when itz gone,ure unhappy too...
that one thing...
makes u e most happy ever...but also makes u e saddest ever...
so how?
so which is a betta solution??...i wished i knew e ans....
*cries*
i'm breaking down soon...

i freaking hell hate myself...i hate myself for being to dumb...i hate myself for not being able to get mad at anybody...dis feeling sucks...consider dis retribution?..i dunno...i dun care...wadeva...all i noe is tt i cant take it animore...i got enuff...i seriously got enuf of all dis nonsense...freak...i shld juz vanish frm e face of dis earth...i shld juz get out of everybody's life...i shld juz close off everybody else...if onli i cld get mad at somebody...if frm e veri start i cld onli throw a tantrum...if frm e veri start i cld onli hate her...things i wish i cld hv done, uptil now...still unable to do...i'm juz such a freaking dumb idiot...
i'm nv trusting...
nv believing...
nv depending...
not ever again...
not over my dead body...
freak...dis feeling sucks....
i want to hate...but i cant...
i want to forget...but i cant...
i want to get mad...but i cant...
WHY cant i juz do these simple things????
hate myself cos all i noe how to do is cry by myself...dis is so dumb..

i said some stupid things...tt made somebody mad...-haiz-...i think i'm like so dumb...tok alot of nonsense...i shld hv juz kept my mouth shut...why muz i voice out...*slaps*...i hate myself...i wish i cld disappear...everytime i try to say something,i seem to say it all wrong...i shld juz shut up frm now on...[sigh]...i'm juz so useless...past few days...i've cried till my eyes hurt...till they are dry....
i veri tired liao...-haiz-...my eye is hurting like siao...somebody save me...i juz keep tearing non-stop...veri pain...*cries*
teacher's day audition today...we tried our best...came up wif smth in like 1 hr...lolz...
sS test tmr...and i'm clueless...
i gotta hand in letta for being late yday...so sucky...*bleah*
wonder how i'm gg to get my mum to write a letta for me...-haiz-

stunned...
sad...
-haiz-
how cld dis happen to me???
i want to disappear...
somebody kill me....

dun like gg for PC & CME lesson...
nowadays is lvl combined de...
den tok abt stuffs...
to me...it rakes up e past....
it makes me think abt stuff...
stuff tt i dun wanna think abt....
-haiz- feel like ponning every PC & CME lesson...
aniwae, many things hv been happening ard me...things tt puzzle me...things tt i wish knew why happened...alot of things happen when i dun even noe how...alot of things tt are happening behind my back, i dun even hv a clue abt...-haiz-...society's complicated...ppl are complicated...why muz things be so complicated...*cries*...
why cant ppl be more mature? why cant i juz disappear? why cant things be undone? why cant i go back in time? so many questions...so many misunderstandings...so little answers....[sigh]...somebody kill me...

i wish i cld suffer frm memory loss or smth...
i wish everything cld restart...
i wish i cld live e past 4 yrs of my life over agn....
den mayb things wld be different...
i guess nobody wld understand wat i go thru...
i guess nobody wld realie bother aniwae...
i juz wish, i cld wake up one morning...
forgetting everything...
onli rmbering the nice stuff....
ever since there was the wrd called "LOVE"...
everything turned upside down;inside out...
life was much simpler w/o tt wrd i wld say....
all i want and wish for is a simple life...
too bad, nth i do or say can change e fact....
e fact tt i cant go back, and i cant forget....
e fact tt sumtimes ppl can luv too much to hate...
e fact tt ppl can do silly n stupid things cos of LOVE...
e fact tt luv hurts...
onli if there is luv, hurt can be present...
if there is no luv, one wld not hurt...
sumtimes, e hurt juz becomes so intense tt it becums physical...
the pain in e hrt becomes unbearable....
and e person breaks down....
sum cuts juz wun ever heal....
sum shattered vases juz wun ever get mended agn....
sum lines juz wun be erased....
sum wrds juz wun be forgotten....

more often than ever, LOVE over takes everything else...so much so, that nth else matters...everything wrong becums right no matter wat...there is just no drive to hate...no will to dislike...
just e lil strength left to forgive n smile...
but for how long will tt lil strength last?
nobody noes...
just for now, smile...

USED...
haa...guess i am huh...
i noe it...
-haiz-

i noe dis might all sound wierd...but itz realie how i feel..last nite, i dreamt of her*...and her#...and korkor etc...in my dream, i felt e same hurt n sadness tt i felt b4...it all seemed so real...den, i suddenly woke up, finding tears in my eyes...den, it started me thinking...i'm so afraid...afraid tt i havent taken e word "LOVE" out frm my dictionary...i'm realie scared to ever feel tt kinda hurt agn...tossed n turned e whole nite...cldn't get back to slp...when i woke up dis morning, i was juz feeling lousy...juz scared n all....i oso dunno why...u might juz think i'm silly huh...getting so affected over juz a dream...guess i realie am...-haiz-...i dunno why i've becum lidat...

sad...
upset...
unhappy...
[sigh]
i'm running a fever i think...
dunno la...
dun care...

back frm skol...
realie tired today..got up real earli cos i hadta take bus to skol..msged sumone earli in e morning,but nv got any rply..hmm...aiya,wadeva..aniwae,met azz in e bus..we toked all e way to skol..she's real funny...lolz..haha...she told me a lil secret tt i hv to keep to myself..wahaha..reached skol..went to class..(so long nv get to go to class to put bag b4 assembly liao..haha..) chit chatted wif ahbu and played ard wif cedar bear..cedar bear n i took foto..lolz...den went down for assembly..aft assembly had lesson lor..den lesson aft lesson and more lesson..+pout+..den chinese got another listening compre..dis time,i got 9/10..previously got 8/10 and 10/10...hehe...aft chinese gt recess..den aft recess more lesson...today took realie long to end...-haiz-..den bio tt time had prac..finally got prac liao..itz been like ages since we did prac for bio can..today's one was qte funny..got biscuit,den hadta burn it n all..den guihe went to eat it larh..eew..den had chem den chapel..aft chapel went up to class to do e eng essay...wat can i say,essays are much easier to write alone...-haiz-...aft finishing e essay,hlped yixiu wif her art...den ahbu n ying were doing amaths...hlped xiu paint e farris wheel de seats...den i got white paint on myself...*screams*..den left e skol..for home...

mummy got yoga today..home alone for me..-haiz-
i'm so bored....so sianz..

popping pills agn...
-haiz- dis sucks...

no mood for anything...
so i decided to tidy up imagestation...
and upload a couple more...

i'm such a disappointment...
as if my life hasn't been bad enough, i'm hit by chinese oral...
i sucked at it...i'm like so going to flunk...
i might just probably be the first ever to fail oral...
cld hardly read e damn passage...
filled wif medical terms...and words tt looked alien to me...
stammered thru the passage...shaking at almost every wrd...
[sigh]
i hate myself.
i'm feeling so sick can...dis feeling sucks...was feeling awful during lesson...felt like puking...feeling dizzy n all..legs were all jelly...hands shaky..i oso duno why...-haiz-..i cld hardly hold anything firmly...went down for lunch wif ying tt time,cldn't realie walk properly...was so afraid lo..dunno wat e hell was wrong wif me...hold chopsticks tt time,can see shaking...[[sigh]]
somebody save me...

i sat there...all by myself...in dis cold hse...
started thinking...
dunno why,dunno how...
but i started thinking abt stuff...alot of stuff...the past,the present and the future...
thot abt everything...frm frenz to family to r/s....
i dunno why....a tear flowed frm my eyes...den more came along...
i juz sat there quietly and wept...
i hugged my careBEAR tight and wept...
juz got real upset...and felt real stupid...
i think i'm juz so dumb...-haiz-
i need someone to be there...i need a hug...i need someone hu cares...i need a shoulder to cry on when i'm sad...i need a comforting hand when i'm weary...i need sumone hu bothers...i need sumone hu i can trust...i need sumone hu i can tok to...i juz wonder where i can find tt sumone...i think i need a fren...

somewhere on the face of this earth...
there is an upside down tree...
where it is rooted in heaven,
and has itz fruit and branches stretching out to the ends of the earth...
and bleeds at the trunk...
sap that frees ppl ard frm harm n sin...
i think tt dis saying is veri meaningful...heard it today at service at j8...today's service was great...guest speaker...he was a missionary...and oso e first person to noe e lang in new gunea...he told us his story of learning e lang and living there and e culture there...veri veri funny...he got a huge sense of humor i wld say...so interesting lor...first time i was hoping service wld last longer...but too bad,time up...den i think he got other place to go to...
oh well...
now i'm home agn..all by myself...
parents at ikea...(so bad,nv bring me go..lolz.)

went for ndp today...
was lotsa fun...
picked ahbu up frm skol at 1030 lidat...
reached HQ at abt 1050...
ms chew n ms angie were so happi to see us...lolz...
went off wif them to esplanade there...chartered bus...
dis yr e holding area is esplanade there de...
den had lunch...
ahbu's chicken not cook de...so poor thing...
den ms chew n me donated nuggets to her...haha....
den aft lunch dey rest awhile...den gotta go padang le...
had their first tryouts...
den me n ahbu cannot go in,cos we dun hv pass....(even if say we officer oso cannot lor..)
den aft their first tryout...went outside padang rest for abt mayb 15min...
den went in agn....
dis time,me n ahbu went in....
haha...we took ashley and jasmine de pass...
cos dey in full-u...so can go in....
den me n ahbu go watch dem...sun-tanning i wld say...lolz...
the sun so bloody hot la...hot until ahbu got headache...poor thing...
den we managed to stay till eveything over...
went out wif dem...den we left liao...
cos realie veri hot...buay tahan....
aniwae, i think dis yr ndp wld be quite nice..the parade is veri nice...-grinz-
aft tt me n ahbu went to take train...
she take to amk change 25 home...
i stopped at orchard...
yupp...
reached home at abt 9+....

back frm skol...
finally...
health check today...the nurse kept saying tt i'm small...oh wadeva...
aniwae, i lost 2kg...and i grew by 1cm...pathetic...
aft skol had rehearsal for GBday...
itz on monday..
hv to report to skol at 630am can...




i'm sick n tired of all dis...it sucks...
i need a break...
*cries*
breaking down...falling apart...

dis sucks...
everythign oso my fault...
everythign tt goes wrong at skol is my fault...
everything tt goes wrong outside skol is my fault...
everythign tt goes wrong at home, oso my fault...
why does everybody blame me for everything?!?!?!?!
guess i'm juz stupid huh...
brainless...wadeva...
everything is just my fault....
will everybody juz leave me alone?!?!?
stop blaming me for everything tt goes wrong can???
hate e house i'm living in...
juz an empty shell...for wat shit lar....
might as well juz not hv it at all...
i wish i cld just leave...
fuck.
juz becos i dun scream at ppl, dey think dey can take me for granted...i hate dis feeling..i'm juz worthless in ppl's eyes i guess..nth but a tool...

cried myself to slp....i hate e life i'm leading now...day to day...i juz want a simple life...a simple happy contented life...but it wld nv seem to come true...everything ahead is nth but darkness...
who can cheer me up?...who can bring me out of e darkness...

i'm so disappointed...why??? why did u hv to be lidat???....you hv changed...i seriously dun like e way u are now....do u realise wat u are doing??...do u realise wat u are saying???...
oh gosh...pls do...
i want e gurl i knew b4....i want her back...

i said alot of things...
i dunno why i said all those...i noe i've been wanting to say it for veri veri long...but i dunno why i said it all out today...i dunno wat gave me e courage...i dunno wat made me do it...
i suddenly feel so vulnerable...i've seriously nv been so frank to anyone b4...i hv nv poured out so much to sumone b4...i suddenly feel scared...wat has happened to me??...why did i pour out so much to her??...-haiz-...why do i get so weak wif her??...
wat is happening...



-haiz-
changes..i hate them...things change,ppl change...
if it was for e betta,den good...but if not...ppl get hurt...things get disrrupted...
[sigh]...why do ppl hv to change...why dun ppl realize tt dey changed??...
*cries*

gui came over dis morning...
bake cake for keith...her b'dae is tmr ma...lolz...
bake n bake...
fun time..funny stuff happened...wahaha...
aniwae, yar...den bake finish le...
took a cab down to kovan PLCC...
gui n me hid behind e storage tank at PLCC while juliet n van n mich n keith made their way over frm hrtland...den got dis indian guy keep staring at me...so scary can...gui so heng,she got covered by e tank..i wasn't lor...den tt idiotic guy keep staring at me...eEeEee....den finally dey reach liao...so van came to call me n gui...so we went in...tried lighting e candle..but cant...den keep burning my finger...gui oso...so we gave up...and went in wif e candle not lit..lolz..
keith was rather surprised i wld say...haha...good surprise....*smiles*...
den keith accidentally broke a glass...it piang-ed all over e place...we were all like--"OMG !!!"...shock tiok...haha....den we kept saying sorry to e person IC...we even offered to pay for e broken glass..but he say nvm...[[so nice hor?...lolz...]]...
den van hadta leave...so mich left wif her...
den e rest of us went hrtland to look for box for e remainding cake...
in e end, is keith e godma gave us box de...
den i went to develop my fotos at kodak....
den we went play pool...at superbowl upstairs....nice place i wld say...i like...lolz...
more privacy..not those kinda big open room filled wif tables type...is a narrow room wif onli one row of tables...so nice lor...hee...den 1st game me n gui against juliet n keith..too soo damn long to play tt game...finally, me n gui won...hee...happy happy...
den i looked at e time...and realized tt i shld be getting home...so left in a cab...

yday was fun...
i had a good time...
*smiles*
had a good tok wif my big bear...
first time i so open to sumbody leh...omg...
-haiz-
she told me stuffs...and i told her stuffs...
first time i realie feel so vulnerable can...oh gosh...
i guess all i can do now is to trust tt she wun go tell ANYBODY...
i dun think she will larh hor...
aniwae, muz realie thank her....altho made me cry...but at least i first time tell sumbody so much...haha...

back frm PHS liao...
omg...my day has been so sucky...
and itz still not ovr yet...
still gt tuition ltr...-haiz-
went to skol feelin even worst den yday...gosh...dragged myself thru lesson and all...screamed like hell during e youth day celebration...screamed for jeanne ma...lolz...aniwae,jeanne won 2nd place for e pagent...
aft skol..chiong-ed out of skol and caught a cab home...rushed to bathe n change...den headed to PHS...no lunch,no rest..NOTHING...-haiz-
reached PHS at 220...den waited for e ppl there to organise themselves...get rdy n all...dey like took so long...den e mdm saw me pale pale..den she bought me xiumai to eat...haha...so i ate e 2...and started wif e assessment...turns out,instead of hving 3 contingents,i hv 4!!!!...oh gosh...i was so worried,wondering how i was gona finish it...so had 36 girls to assess...1st contingent took quite awhile..cos i was still quite careful and still needed to warm up...e contingents tt followed veri fast liao...cos din realie look one by one...mostly is look as a whole...so drained...wanna die liao...ended at abt 5+...took a cab home...bathe finish,6 liao...ltr 7 lidat still muz go for tuition le...
gods..i'm realie gona collapse liao...so sick..so brain dead..so tired.....